received this morning and had to share it with you all, brought a smile to my face
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who
ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I
got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some other **** too.
THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me
that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
FRIDAY : I hate that bi*ch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If
there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that next year my daughter (the little s**t) will
choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God
had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!
Linear Mode
