Do you need cheering up? Tenerife Forum 'Happy Hour'

[K9 Tenerife]

Brilliant Mike, Cathy has just spat her tea all over the place when she was laughing at this!

sgd

[Jenniewhitewave]

Keep 'em coming... having a right old giggle here

[Janet]

Thanks Mike, and Dave too ... really needed a smile right then.

[Rolzysmum]

Originally Posted by Mike in Chayofa

Incidents with Pedestrians.

Great stuff! Some I've heard from Jasper Carrott many times, but still they make me laugh!

[graceylacey]

They are all so funny and just what is needed right now! Thanks so much

[colleenp]

this thread is brilliant - everyone seems to be in great form tonight. thanks mike

[Tinkabel]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court

reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________________________ __________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?



WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

something you forgot?

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said

to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!



________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the

next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,

how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was

taken?

WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?



________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I

need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning

pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your

attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

people. Would you like to rephrase that?

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What

school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why

I was doing an autopsy on him!

________________________________________________



-- And the best for last: ---





ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was

alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practicing law

[givemeabreak]

Mike if you come over here to Northern Ireland you'll get Black Bush.

[macbee48]

We had a female customer in work who had mis-read a sign in our garden centre which advertised free erection for certain sheds.

Unfortunately, the shed she fancied didn't qualify and of course she was blaming us for her illiteracy.

The manager was duly called. He stood his ground and despite his best diplomatic skills the woman got angrier and angrier.

Eventually she blew her top and, much to the amusement of everyone within earshot, shouted at the top of her voice, 'I demand my free erection!'

[old golfer]

Originally Posted by macbee48

Eventually she blew her top and, much to the amusement of everyone within earshot, shouted at the top of her voice, 'I demand my free erection!'

Pass her my number.........About a week notice should be ok......